Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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