If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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