Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
