On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
