So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.