don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
It's blow job season.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"