Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
