there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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