Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
