I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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