i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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