I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
