i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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