your parents love me but you hate me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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