census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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