oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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