Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
