It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
how drunk are you?
Several
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
