A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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