Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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