My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
