They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have aggressive nipples.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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