get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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