i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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