Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
