Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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