I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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