I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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