fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
