I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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