I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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