Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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