got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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