I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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