i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs