Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
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No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Damn victory sex feels great
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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