I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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