I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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