Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
