people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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