True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
