I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
