Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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