I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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