if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
