listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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