he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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