Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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