Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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