Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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