the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
