you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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