after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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