Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
